on ego
January 2, 2018

fuck you. i may or may not give a shit what you think. i'll just inebriate myself and then i forget you even exist. when it wears off the process simply repeats as normal. whatever you want to tell me will be met with a defiant middle finger.

maybe that's too crude? hardly. all you want to do is trap me in a mental prison. always dictating the terms, judging what is and isn't acceptable. what do you really want from me? leeching off of my energy like a psychic vampire, seems like it.

i might struggle for a while. you just want me to hate myself, because you hate yourself eternally. you want everyone to feel this way, because if you cannot feel satisfied with existence, then nobody should either. just bring them all down with you. fuck them all. the more people that suffer, the better. you hope for nothing and wish for oblivion.

you won't leave me alone, though. you never leave anyone alone. you feed off of others. your entire reality is defined by others and how they relate and react to your presence. i've noticed that there are an unlimited number of ways that you can sophisticate your methods. like sedentary pockets of water seeping through the cracks and pooling into areas rarely accessed, you find your wiggle room. you ceaselessly return. you can't live without me, can you? or maybe you're just a part of me; a manifestation of some conscious or unconscious impulse within my core. how convenient. it just has to be one of my psychic defense mechanisms in action. anything to reduce the amount of pain, right?

or maybe this is just an intrinsic quality of being alive. the demon of self-doubt, self-hatred, self-importance. self, self, self. so fucking selfish, are you? everything is about you, isn't it? why is your image of yourself so skewed and distorted? you're just creating a caricature comprised of qualities that are impossible to live up to. you're setting some ridiculous standard for yourself, in hopes that you'll prove to everyone that you're worthy of being alive. why are you always trying to prove something? get the fuck out of my face and grab me a beer, will you?

so, as i write this i'll raise a drink to this issue. as long as i can dull those feelings, i can defiantly tell these demons to fuck off. i can mentally lash out at all of these percieved adversaries. i can rip them apart and wish their families will grieve for eternity. they deserve it. and that's the moment where i'm most blissful. knowing that you're in pain, and begging for me to cease my onslaught. and guess what? i won't say anything. i'll just continue my rampage. this is my retribution. fuck you and everything you stand for.

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